Kurt Hummel and the Goblet of Lube
by The-Jellybaby-Bandit
Summary: AU One-shot plot bunny that got lodged in my brain. Kurt Hummel/Solo    Kurt drunkenly bought something on eBay and now it's arrived... whatever is a boy to do?


**Disclaimer: I do NOT own rights to any of the characters from Glee. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**

**A/N: The inspiration for this little one-shot came from a conversation with Jake tonight – and I just couldn't get it out of my head. **

**So I shall _exorcise_ the demon!**

**This can be read as an aside to my other story NDNB but works just as well as a stand alone story. **

**WARNING: ADULT SITUATIONS – SOLO SLASHY GOODNESS**

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"**Kurt Hummel and the Goblet of Lube"**

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He'd bought it.

He'd actually bought it and now it was here – in his arms – contained in this box – right now, it was here!

Using his foot to slam his bedroom door shut behind him, Kurt carried the heavy package awkwardly down the stairs and laid it on his bed.

"Gotta start working out...", he mumbled rubbing his cramping bicep through his pyjama sleeve.

It had been a crazy impulse buy one night, when he'd had one too many Appletinis – and when he'd checked his emails the following morning to see the despatch confirmation his stomach had dropped through the floor.

But then he'd thought about it.

_Really_ thought about it.

And _fuck_ if it didn't make him hot as Hell just thinking about it.

A feeling of guilt made Kurt quickly check over his shoulder for any stray intruders that might be watching him, as he used a perfectly manicured nail to pierce the packaging.

Ripping the cellophane from the box, Kurt muttered to himself under his breath,

"_Cellophane, Mr Cellophane..."_

Haphazardly discarding the wrappings onto the floor by his bed – an act which would have normally _never_ been allowed to happen – Kurt pulled open the box.

"Oh my _fucking_ God...", he gasped in awe as he took in the contents.

Quickly unpacking his prize Kurt hefted it in his hand feeling the surprising weight before laying it on his bedspread.

Standing and looking down at his purchase Kurt considered it thoughtfully.

'The Radcliffe'.

Who'd have thought that a child star from the Harry Potter movies would get caught in a sex tape – and a gay sex tape at that? If anything Kurt had suspected that it would be the ginger twins from the movies that would end up washed up and working in porn – Kurt shuddered in disgust at the thought.

Within days of the sex tape's release, a new line of replica dildos based upon the former child actor's substantial endowment had flooded the Asian market and from there Kurt had drunkenly picked one of them up on eBay.

"_Equus star hung like horse..."_

That had been the headline in some of the tackier tabloid newspapers – to which of course had Kurt stayed glued for their showbiz gossip columns – Perez Hilton had had a field day with the exclusive story.

Digging around in the box under the little white bits of packing, Kurt's questing fingers finally found his intended target with an emphatic,

"Ah-hah!"

Holding the cylindrical tube in his hands, Kurt turned it over and smirked as he read the label,

"The Goblet of Lube..."

Yet another cheap marketing ploy to cash in on the actor's fame found a little tube included with every 'Radcliffe' sold. Twisting the cap, Kurt squeezed a little of the gel like substance out before rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger and nodding approvingly.

He was actually going to do this. The house was empty – his Dad working late at the shop for the night. Mercedes was at the movies on a first date with Matt and his cell phone was turned off.

Clearing off the box and setting it down on the floor beside his bed, Kurt began to unbutton his blue silk pyjama top, letting the garment fall off his shoulders and pool on the floor.

A sharp thump from the upstairs caused Kurt to jump before he realised that it was just one of the shutters creaking in the wind. Feeling self-conscious however, Kurt crossed to the bank of narrow windows running the length of the far wall and tugged shut the blinds.

_'There... no more interruptions... just me and Dan...'_

Kurt giggled at the thought as he moved to turn the dimmer down on the lights, casting his bedroom into an orange glow.

"Perfect...", he decided as he padded back over to his bed and allowing his pyjama pants to slip down his legs and pool at his feet.

Totally naked, Kurt climbed onto his bed and got himself comfortable with his back propped up on some pillows.

Picking up the Radcliffe, Kurt looked at it in trepidation. It was massive – would he really be able to fit it inside him? Was it going to hurt?

Kurt had never experimented with anal play before – he'd always thought it to be too unhygienic – Lord knows what had possessed him to spend $50 on a dildo. But he had and so he'd figured that he might as well do some experimentation.

Truth be told the thought turned him on no end.

Spreading his legs, Kurt thought back to the rigorous preparation that he'd put himself through earlier that evening – he wrinkled his nose at the memory of the enema – but it was necessary if he wanted to do this properly.

Deciding to start small and work his way up, Kurt squeezed a small amount of lube onto his middle finger, slicking it up good before gently probing at his rosebud.

_'Oh... that's new...'_, he thought in delighted surprise.

"OK... let's see... rub around, press and pop... that's what Men's Health said anyway...", muttered Kurt as he followed the directions from the magazine to the letter – sighing as his slicked up finger sank into his virgin hole up to the first knuckle.

_'See? That's not so bad... oh...'_

Kurt hissed in sudden discomfort and waited until the trembling ring of muscle relaxed slightly before pressing forward again.

"Oh... my..."

Kurt's face was red with exertion already and he was panting with the heady sensations running through his body. Withdrawing his finger, Kurt wasted no time in diving back in – this time with two.

"Oh _Jesus..._"

Scissoring his fingers like the magazine had said to do, Kurt winced slightly at the sensation of stretching out his virgin channel. This would decrease the risk of anal fissures though – or so the magazine had promised.

_'OK... its now or never...'_

Withdrawing his two fingers from his ass, Kurt picked up the dildo and using his free hand squeezed a generous dollop of lube onto the large mushroom head and spread it out evenly.

"Well... here goes...", he mumbled to no one in particular, "... ah... _shit_..."

The sensation at first as the large mushroom head popped through his ring of muscle was burning – a fiery hot inferno of pain that throbbed out from his centre.

_'Ah please make it stop...'_

The magazine had warned him that this would happen though – and so he ran through the exercises it had suggested – breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth in short bursts.

"Whadda y'know... it works...", Kurt hissed as he stimulated a part of him that had never before experienced physical touch.

He felt so full and there was still so much of the toy outside of his body.

_'I can't possibly take any more...'_

Gritting his teeth against the feeling of being overly full however, Kurt pushed on and the toy sank slowly millimetre by millimetre into his tight channel. Finally after what seemed like days, the two moulded balls on the end met his skin and Kurt stopped pushing.

"Oh shit...", he panted, realising for the first time that he'd succeeded – he'd taken it all. The whole Radcliffe was now lodged inside him and oh boy did it feel good.

Panting and throwing his head back, Kurt let his body dictate his actions as he kept one hand on the base of the dildo and began to withdraw it an inch before sliding it back in again.

"Oh...", Kurt increased his tempo further, "... oh... oh..."

And then he hit something that he hadn't hit before,

"Humunuh...", he groaned as stars exploded behind his eyes and his grip on the toy went lax.

_'Ooh... that must be the prostate... have to do that again...'_

Gripping the toy with two hands, Kurt repeated the action and yelped at the burst of sensation that caused his arms to shake.

"Oh yes... that's it..."

Forcing his arms to continue their action despite the tremors, Kurt picked up his pace. What had started out as an overly full burning sensation now felt like a warm, perfectly filled feeling.

_'Why didn't I think of this years ago?...'_

Moving one hand up to his cock, which lay nestled in a neatly trimmed patch of coarse black hair, Kurt wrapped his hand around his length and squeezed.

"Ohhhh... _baby_...", Kurt's eyes rolled back in his head at the double sensation as he continued to thrust onto the toy and also picked up a steady rhythm with the hand on his cock.

His arm was getting tired and his muscles beginning to protest being held in such a position for an extended period of time – but the soprano pressed on – he was so close.

Kurt's cock was standing at full mast as he furiously worked his hand over its length, pausing occasionally to scoop up the copious amounts of precum leaking from the head, and spreading it over the glans.

The brunette could feel his balls tingling in warning that the end was coming as he started to roll his hips in time with his thrusts onto the toy.

"Oh God...", Kurt sighed as he let his head loll back and his eyes flutter closed.

Kurt's stroking took on a distinctive stiffer rhythm as he applied more pressure to his cock – he could feel the dildo brushing repeatedly against his prostate and gibbered incoherently at the pleasurable sensations shooting though his limbs.

And then with a cry of ecstasy, Kurt clamped down on the dildo hard as his cock erupted throwing ropes of sticky white fluid arcing into the air to paint itself against his smooth hairless chest.

Breathing heavily, Kurt rolled his head to the side and cracked open an eye. That had been intense – his arms and legs were still shaking and his chest was almost completely covered in a film of milky white cum.

Feeling his abused ass protesting the toy's continued presence, Kurt slowly withdrew the toy, hissing as it finally slipped from his body.

Laying the toy down beside him on the bed, Kurt giggled softly as he tried to catch his breathe, drawing the sheet up and over his damp sweat soaked body.

If this was what came of drinking one too many Appletinis, he'd start drinking more often...

~Finis~

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**A/N: There we go – its out and it's published. Just a little bit of harmless fun for our favourite soprano.**

**Never fear though folks – I shall now be concentrating on NDNB again in short order.**

**PLEASE REVIEW**


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